I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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