I smell stomach acid.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
