just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
