I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
