Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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