I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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