There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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