good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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