the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
