Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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