You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
