I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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