Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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