People with herpes should wear stickers.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My vagina is very pro this idea
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
