Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
It's official drugs can't kill me
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
the gays at disneyland are vicious
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
