Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
