upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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