Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
