Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
