In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
