I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You ruined the universe
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
