nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Is Oprah even human
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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