I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Randomize
