I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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