toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
