Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
