We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
