did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
