I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Randomize
