i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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