just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
