mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
