i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
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