Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Sorry my hands just texted you
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
