So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
