I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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