I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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