Swine flu. Run for my life!
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
