whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
