just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
