Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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