Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
