I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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