Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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