Where are you?
In a non slutty way
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
