Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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