I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
