U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
