On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
