Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
